INFINITHINK.ORG: Jokes

Funny Math Collection

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You'll understand even if you don't know Math</div>
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Funny Math Collection

You'll understand even if you don't know Math

Parental Wisdom Pinoy Style

Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.<br />
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<b>1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:</b><br />
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."<br />
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<b>2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:</b><br />
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"<br />
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<b>3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC:</b><br />
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."</div>
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<b>4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:</b><br />
"Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."<br />
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<b>5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:</b><br />
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"<br />
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<b>6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:</b><br />
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"<br />
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<b>7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:</b><br />
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"<br />
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<b>8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:</b><br />
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"<br />
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<b>9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:</b><br />
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."<br />
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<b>10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:</b><br />
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"<br />
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<b>11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:</b><br />
"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"<br />
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<b>12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY:</b><br />
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"<br />
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<b>13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:</b><br />
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"<br />
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<b>14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING:</b><br />
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"<br />
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<b>15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:</b><br />
"Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"<br />
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<b>16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE:</b><br />
"Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"<br />
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Parental Wisdom Pinoy Style

Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang. 1. Si Inay, tinur...

Social Classes/Ranks (Jokes)

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<a href="http://infinithinkit.blogspot.com/search/label/Jokes" target="_blank">JOKES</a></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWe0yvbR9iL3nl8A-iyDv2zLAY6dW5p5tdElyakOg3Ee4GBAN2ZNy8mxHVzlOSuD-BConmMYK9mjbFNEpu0jlWGxoWtnK_lpVUgdRZ5u-tlGzQW_z6dRF9AobLusmFX6fxO7m-EK95FVsC/s1600/social+class.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Social Classes/Ranks Jokes" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWe0yvbR9iL3nl8A-iyDv2zLAY6dW5p5tdElyakOg3Ee4GBAN2ZNy8mxHVzlOSuD-BConmMYK9mjbFNEpu0jlWGxoWtnK_lpVUgdRZ5u-tlGzQW_z6dRF9AobLusmFX6fxO7m-EK95FVsC/s1600/social+class.jpg" title="Social Classes/Ranks Jokes" width="328" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Social Classes/Ranks Jokes</td></tr>
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<b>SOCIAL CLASSES/RANKS</b><br />
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Pag Mayaman: Hunger Games.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Hunger Lang.<br />
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Pag Mayaman: I’m so sorry, there's no more option.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Teh, CHOOSY KA PA?!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Get-together.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Rally!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Writing Paper.<br />
Pag Mahirap: KO-PON BOND.<br />
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Pag Mayaman: African American.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Negrito!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Morena or Sun-Tanned.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Ita o baluga!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Rashes.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Galis!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Hey.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Hoy!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Kleptomaniac.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Mandurugas!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Magnum.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Pinipig.<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Torrid Kiss/French Kiss.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Laplapan!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: IPHONE.<br />
Pag Mahirap: MyPHONE.<br />
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Pag Mayaman: iPAD.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Yellow Pad.<br />
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Pag Mayaman: For Real?<br />
Pag Mahirap: Wehh?!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Assertive.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Walang Hiya!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Informal Settlers.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Iskwater!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Slow Learner.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Bobo or gung-gong!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: CADBURY.<br />
Pag Mahirap: CHUBBY/CHOEY TSOKO.<br />
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Pag Mayaman: (SPAGHETTI) Let’s have merienda!<br />
Pag Mahirap: (SPAGHETTI) Sinong may birthday?<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Hand Sanitizer.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Sabon.<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Liberated.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Malandi!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Petite.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Malnourished!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Voluptuous.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Mataba or baboy!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Single Parent.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Disgrasyada!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Scoliotic.<br />
Pag Mahirap: Kuba!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Nervous Breakdown (due to tension and stress).<br />
Pag Mahirap: Sira ang ulo!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: Eccentric.<br />
Pag Mahirap: May topak or may sayad!<br />
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Pag Mayaman: (Sumakit ulo) Migraine.<br />
Pag Mahirap: (Sumakit ulo) Nalipasan ng gutom!<br />
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Three vampires on a restaurant.<br />
Rich Vampire: Waiter, I'm gonna order two sets of fresh blood.<br />
Middle Class Vampire: Waiter, paorder nga isang dinuguan.<br />
Poor Vampire: Paorder naman one cup hot water.<br />
Waiter: Ha? Bakit hot water po?<br />
Poor Vampire: Nakapulot kasi ako ng napkin sa kanto. Magta-tsaa nlang ako.<br />
<br />
In the military, when a private is injured or sick, he will be sent to the general hospital<br />
But when the general is injured or sick, he will be sent to a private hospital<br />
<br />
In the Philippines, when an ordinary citizens commits theft, he goes straight to jail without further ado.<br />
But when a politician commits graft and corruption, he invokes the right to counsel and for the due process of law, and eventually gets house arrest.<br />
<br />

Social Classes/Ranks (Jokes)

JOKES Social Classes/Ranks Jokes SOCIAL CLASSES/RANKS Pag Mayaman: Hunger Games. Pag Mahirap: Hunger Lang. Pag Mayaman: I’m so ...

Collection of Sen. Miriam Santiago Jokes

<div style="text-align: justify;">
Compilation of jokes, pick-up lines, humorous statements uttered by Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago during her previous speeches.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGEHyhOvoKsW-9X7X3YJlyIMK6lDMQZo1LdgeF8qUVhkRXLDKOo0QNtwqBtsAujDKgcOl-7tnGYj-PKHUdhdJsu2ZU0OiNTa6Vn6t3sqe8ruP2ejwgeniTYRu-JY6vljco-TTRv-_BbBF5/s1600/miriam-flirting.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGEHyhOvoKsW-9X7X3YJlyIMK6lDMQZo1LdgeF8qUVhkRXLDKOo0QNtwqBtsAujDKgcOl-7tnGYj-PKHUdhdJsu2ZU0OiNTa6Vn6t3sqe8ruP2ejwgeniTYRu-JY6vljco-TTRv-_BbBF5/s1600/miriam-flirting.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<b>RANDOM JOKES</b></div>
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Anong blood type ang pwedeng motto? B-positive.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Matalinong babae + Matalinong lalaki = Romance</div>
<div>
Matalinong lalaki + Bobong babae = Affair</div>
<div>
Matalinong babae + Bobong lalaki = Kasal</div>
<div>
Bobong lalaki + Bobong babae = Sexually Transmitted Disease</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Gusto mo bang trabaho?</div>
<div>
►Meron sa PLDT, 10,000 pesos per day. Ikaw yung dialtone.</div>
<div>
►Meron sa DPWH, 10, 000 pesos per day. Ikaw yung speedbump.</div>
<div>
►Meron sa post office, 10,000 pesos per day. Didilaan mo lahat ng stamps.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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A young boy asked his Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?</div>
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<br /></div>
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The father said, you’re my son. Confident ako doon. Yung best friend mo sa school, anak ko rin yun. Yun ang confidential.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Five tips for a happy man’s life</div>
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<br /></div>
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1) Have a girl to help you at work</div>
<div>
2) Have a girl to take care of you and to love you</div>
<div>
3) Have a girl who can make you laugh</div>
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4) Have a girl who spoils you</div>
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5) Siguraduhin na hindi magkakilala and apat na babae na yun</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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In a swimming pool:</div>
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<br /></div>
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Classmate 1 – I’m sure lulutang ka</div>
<div>
Classmate 2 – Bakit dahil payat ako?</div>
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Classmate 1 – Hindi, dahil plastic ka</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Use “anyone” in a sentence.</div>
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“Nasaan na kayo? Bakit ninyo ako anyone?”</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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Ganito daw ang menu ng automated answering machine ng mental health hotline:</div>
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If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.</div>
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If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.</div>
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If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the alien mothership.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, credit card details, email address, and your Facebook password.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.</div>
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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.</div>
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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.</div>
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If you are a politician, please hang up. There’s no hope for you.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Kung mangholdap ang mga sosyal, ang sinasabi:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
“Holdap here, make bigay all your thingy!”</div>
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“Don’t make galaw or I’ll make tusok-tusok you!”</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Kapag may nakita kang gwapo, maganda sa isang party, kapag nilapitan mo siya at sinabi mong mayaman ako, pakasalan mo ako, ang tawag doon ay “direct marketing”.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Kapag pinadala mo ang kaibigan mo para sabihin sa kanya na mayaman ka at gusto mo siyang pakasalan, ang tawag doon ay “advertising”.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Kapag nakuha mo ang number niya at tinawagan mo sa telepono kinabukasan para sabihing mayaman ka at gusto mo siyang pakasalan ang tawag doon ay “tele-marketing”.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And finally, pag sinabi ng isang lalaki sa isang babae na mayaman ako, pakasalan mo ako at sinampal siya ng babae, ang tawag doon ay “customer’s feedback”.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Kung may boyfriend ka o girlfriend na gusto mong i-break after graduation, ito sabihin mo:</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Password ka ba? Kasi hindi kita kayang kalimutan pero kaya kitang palitan.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Summer ka ba? Kasi wala kang class.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Bachelors degree ka ba? Kasi tapos na ako sa iyo.”</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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Teacher asks students: “Ano gusto mo (maging) paglaki mo?”</div>
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Pedro: Gusto ko tulong kapwa.</div>
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Jose: Gusto ko doktor para tulong kapwa.</div>
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Kiko: Gusto ko mayor para tulong kapwa.</div>
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Maria: Gusto lingkod kapwa.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Juan Tamad: Gusto ko ako ang kapwa.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>POLITICIANS</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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Holdaper: Akin na ang pera mo.</div>
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Lalaki: Hindi mo ba ako kilala? Isa akong congressman!</div>
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Holdaper: ‘Kung ganun, akin na ang pera namin!</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Politics is a word that is a combination of two syllables—’poli’ meaning many, plus ‘ticks’ meaning blood-sucking parasites.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Para isa ibang tao, ang high blood pressure nila congenital, meaning nanggaling sa magulang. Sa akin, iba naman, ang high blood pressure ko ay political.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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What is the difference between Philippine government and the mafia? The answer: One of them is organized.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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The brain of a Filipino politician has two sides: the left has nothing right in it, the right has nothing left in it.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Anong tawag ‘pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat? Sagot: Pollution</div>
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<br /></div>
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Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong kurakot? Sagot: Solution.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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Kapag nagsinungaling ka sa congressman o senador, kakasuhan ka na ng perjury, may jail term ka pa.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Pero kapag ang congressman o senador nagsinungaling sa iyo, ginagawa na nila ang trabaho nila, magkakaroon pa sila ng bagong term.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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How to tell if a politician is telling the truth:</div>
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<br /></div>
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Whenever he’s crossing his arms, he may be telling the truth.</div>
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Whenever he’s stoking his chin, he might be telling the truth.</div>
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Whenever he looks at you straight in the eyes, he might be telling the truth.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But when he opens his mouth, he is lying.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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There was a study on the connection between government employees and the sport they play.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Ang paborito raw sport ng entry-level government employees ay basketball. Kapag lower management position na, ang paborito raw nila ay bowling. Kapag upper management naman, paborito raw nila ay tennis. Ang paborito raw na sport ng high-level government officials is golf.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The study then made this conclusion, kapag tumataas ang posisyon mo sa gobyerno, lumiliit ang balls mo.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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May 3 doktor, pinag-uusapan [nila] kung anong pasyente ang pinakamadaling operahan. Sabi ng isa: Electricians – everything inside them is color-coded.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sabi ng pangalawang doctor: Librarians – everything inside them is in alphabetical order.</div>
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Sabi ng pangatlo, pulitiko ang pinakamadali: They have no brains. They have no guts. They have no hearts. And they have no balls.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Top 3 na pinakasinungaling na trabaho sa Pilipinas:</div>
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<br /></div>
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No. 3: Beautician: Sasabihin nilang maganda ang customer kahit hindi naman talaga.</div>
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No. 2: Konduktor ng jeep: Sasabihin niya na dalawa pa ang kasya kahit puno na.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And last and the most prolific of all these liars, No.1: Pulitiko. That’s the end of the story.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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One time I met a politician and I said as a joke…</div>
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<br /></div>
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Me: Balita ko, meron ka raw kulasisi na 18 years old.</div>
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Politician: Lumang balita na yan. 28 years old na siya ngayon.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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May isang pulitiko na lumapit sa isang psychiatrist.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Ang sabi niya, “Dok, tulungan mo po ako. Tuwing nakakatanggap po ako ng pork barrel, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na nakawin ito. Nagi-guilty po ako at nade-depress nang malala at matagal dahil dito.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Ang sabi ng psychiatrist: “Sige, tutulungan kitang magkaroon ng self-control para hindi ka na magnakaw sa taumbayan.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sumagot ang pulitiko: “Dok, huwag po! Gusto kong tulungan niyo ako para hindi na ako ma-guilty at ma-depress.”</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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Sabi ng isang survey, 25 percent ng mga pulitiko daw ay umiinom ng medication para sa kanilang mental illness.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Malaking problema ito. Ibig sabihin 75 percent ay hindi umiinom ng gamot.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>PICK-UP LINES</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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Can you recommend a good bank? Kasi I’m planning to save all my love for you.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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Kapag mamamatay na ako, huwag na huwag kang pupunta sa libingan ko kasi baka tumibok ulit ang puso ko.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Miss, kutsara ka ba? Kasi palapit ka palang, napapapanganga na ako.</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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Suicide, homicide, insecticide, lahat pamatay. Pero kung gusto mong pampabuhay, i-try mo ang ‘by my side.’</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Malabo na talaga ang mata ko. Pwede ba akong humingi sa iyo ng kahit konting pagtingin?</div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Girl: Saan tayo magdi-date sa Valentines?</div>
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Boy: Sa sementeryo.</div>
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Girl: Bakit doon?</div>
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Boy: Para mapatunayan kong patay na patay ako sa’yo.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sana naka-off ang ilaw para tayo na lang mag-on.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Nakalimutan ko ang pangalan mo eh, pwede bang tawagin na lang kitang akin?</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Ibenta mo na bahay mo, tutal nandidito ka na, nakatira sa puso ko.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
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Nakalunok ka ba ng kwitis, kasi pag ngumiti ka, may spark!</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Para kang holdaper,lahat ibibigay ko huwag mo lang akong saktan.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Tindera ka ba ng yosi? Kasi you give me hope and more…</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Galing mo din ano? Hindi mo pa ako binabato, tinamaan na ako!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>RANDOM QUOTES</b></div>
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Kung pangit ka mahilig kang mag-selfie, sabihin mo na lang lahat ng pictures mo ay wacky.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Kapag magse-selfie, siguraduhin mong hindi maputi ang mukha tapos maitim naman ang leeg mo. Dapat din hindi sobrang puti ang katawan tapos maitim naman ang kilikili. Tandan mo tao ka, hindi ka Zebra.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Ang LOVE parang bayad sa dyip. Minsan nasusuklian.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Alam niyo ba ang iba pang tawag sa Valentine’s day? Para sa malungkot na single,ang tawag dito ay Single’s Awareness Day. Para sa mga masaya na single, ang tawag dito ay Single’s Independence Day. Pero sa mga walang pakialam, ang tawag dito ay (insert day where Valentine’s day falls).</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Did you know that an earthworm has five hearts, whereas an octopus has two hearts? Kaya kung may kilala ka na nagmamahal ng higit sa dalawa, tanungin mo kung anong klaseng hayop sila.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Kapag ikaw ay nagmamahal pero sasaktan mo rin lang naman, hamunin mo na lang ng suntukan.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Ang taong nagmamahal nang tunay ay parang matalinong estudyante na kumukuha ng exam. Hindi siya tumitingin sa iba kahit nahihirapan na.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Para sa mga single, umuwi nang maaga mula sa school o sa trabaho para isipin nila may date ka.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Ang crush, parang math problem, kung hindi mo makuha, titigan mo na lang.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Minsan may nanligaw sa akin at nagyabang, “Nasa dugo talaga namin ang pagiging guwapo.” Sumagot ako, “bakit nasa dugo lang, bakit hindi napunta ang pagiging guwapo sa mukha mo?”</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Pagkatapos sinabi ko sa kanya, “Cup noodles ka ba? Gusto kasi kitang buhusan ng kumukulong tubig.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Gaano katalino ang mga estudyante ng (insert school here)? Common sense pa lang ninyo, IQ na ng ibang mga senador.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When the cashier at the grocery said, “Miss, pwedeng candy na lang ang sukli ko sa iyo?” I answered “Bakit, tsokolate ba ang ibinayad ko?”</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Hindi ko sinasabing maganda ako, ang sinasabi ko lang pangit ka.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
When someone told me “ang ganda mo”, I answered “sana ikaw rin”</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It is very important that you should choose the person you will marry and stay with that person.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There are many people now who believe in serial love, loving one person after another. I don’t think that is good for our mental health. I think we should get it over with.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Love is like measles, you know. You only get it once in your lifetime and you are immune forever. I am very happy to say that is what happened to me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I am completely immune to any temptation. All men who have passed my life after I got married might as well have been sticks of furniture.</div>
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<br /></div>
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卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I don’t ride roughshod over him. I don’t care where he goes at night, he doesn't have to call me with his itinerary. I just presume that he’s going to be loyal to his marriage vows. And I've been extremely faithful to my husband.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe if I were 20 years younger, or maybe if I am as young as Heart Evangelista, it would be endearing to kiss in public. But to do that at my age would just be disgusting.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We never see each other….sometimes I am surprised that I married such a good looking (man) because I hardly can see him. I sort of got surprised when we see each other in the corridor. In other words, we don’t grit down each others’ neck.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
“Sir, I remind you that as the Commissioner of Immigration and Deportation, I represent the majesty of the Republic of the Philippines. You have the obligation to show respect and courtesy to me. Now shut up, or I’ll knock your teeth off!”</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
(To an alien criminal suspect who raised his voice to interrupt her during a televised press conference.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
“I will not spend my adult life answering obviously false charges. But I will exert every effort to resist the charge that I lack sex appeal.”</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
(Of the charges filed against her by several CID employees whom she disciplined for graft and corruption.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What is the record of actual courtroom experience of my enemies, not every dimwit can claim ‘trial practice,’ which calls for the special rules on trial technique and procedure. And what is the basis for all the pious nonsense about judicial behavior, from people who have never seen a courtroom, or read jurisprudence?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am aghast and postal that a party in litigation and the sub-mental cretins who are my enemies have the gall to demand the power to control the personality of the judge. To educate the non-educable, it is the judge who controls the proceedings.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
May I just make a point of grammar please? The Bible does not say, “Go out to the world.” It sounds very much like God is encouraging us to go out and copulate in public.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
God said in the Bible, “Go forth and multiply.” That meant that God wanted man, not necessarily to literally multiply, but to go out to work with the rest of the human beings of this planet and to apply the stewardship theory. Meaning to say, taking care of each other, who are all in the planet living together.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
They are quoting Jesus ? But none of them were living when He was around plus they’re quoting God but the Bible says no one has ever seen God. In fact, if we claimed to have seen God, as I said, you are in urgent need of psychiatric care.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
“Please don’t treat me as a mere observer. I am a judge in this proceeding! In any trial court, … you should not speak, you should not take any behavior at all unless with the consent of the presiding judge. Don’t drown me out by screaming in this courtroom! Only I can scream here and my fellow judges!” (Scolding private prosecutor Arthur Lim)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You know, if you shut down all the TV cameras, the proceedings will be finished in one week, but people want more than 15 [minutes] of fame.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
卐卐卐卐卐</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
How many witnesses do you intend to present? You don’t even have any idea? You come to court prepared! You do not waste the time of this court!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>

Collection of Sen. Miriam Santiago Jokes

Compilation of jokes, pick-up lines, humorous statements uttered by Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago during her previous speeches. RAN...

Assorted Funniest Pinoy Jokes Part 2

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<br />
RICH VAMPIRE: Oorder ako ng fresh blood.<br />
ORDINARY VAMPIRE: Sa akin isang order na dinuguan.<br />
POOR VAMPIRE: Hot water na lang sa akin.<br />
WAITER: Bakit hot water lang po.?<br />
POOR VAMPIRE: Nakapulot kasi ako ng napkin sa kanto. Mag-tsa tsaa na lang ako...<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
MISTER: wala akong tulog dahil naiisip ko P500K na utang ko kay pare.<br />
MISIS: madali yan! Tawagan mo si pare, sabihin mong hindi ka makakabayad sa utang mo para siya naman ang hindi makatulog!<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?<br />
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.<br />
JEEP DRIVER: saan galing?<br />
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.<br />
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?<br />
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo.<br />
JEEP DRIVER: (<i>lokong pasahero 'to ah</i>) oh, heto sukli mo!<br />
JEEP PASSENGER: (<i>binilang</i>) oi manong kulang 'to ah, magkano ba ang makati?<br />
JEEP DRIVER:  o, bakit bibilhin mo?<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Babae: Doc, kumusta na ang asawa ko?<br />
Doc: Sorry ma'am. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapakain at magpapaligo sa kanya, kasi, putol na ang kanyang mga kamay at paa.<br />
Babae: Hah?! Hin di nga?!?<br />
Doc: Hehehe! Ninerbyos ka ano? Joke lang! Patay na sya!<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Mrs: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang tumatanda ay gumaganda?<br />
Mr: Oo naman.<br />
Mrs: Sa tingin mo, gumaganda ba ako?<br />
Mr: Sa tingin ko, hindi ka tumatanda.<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Son: Itay, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko!<br />
Dad: Bakit?<br />
Son: Hin alikan ko po ang seatmate ko.<br />
Dad: Tong anak ko, manang mana. Hehehe. Eh, masarap ba?<br />
Son: Opo, pogi po sya eh.<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Lasing: Hoy! Sinong matapang?! Labas!<br />
Lalake: Ako! Bakit? Lalaban ka?!<br />
Lasing: Pare, ihatid mo naman ako sa bahay, natatakot ako kay misis eh.<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Tatay: Asensado na talaga ang anak natin sa US . Ito, nagpadala ng picture, nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga ang nakasulat sa likod.<br />
Nanay: Inay, nagpapasalamat ako, kasi, kung hindi dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom.<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
GREAT FACTS<br />
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.<br />
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee<br />
Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.<br />
They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.<br />
The human brain functions 24 hours/day, 365 days/year until you fall for someone...<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
BERTO: Ano ang mas mahalaga, pera o asawa?<br />
ROMY: Syempre, pera! Kasi, ang pera, habang tumatagal, lumalaki ang interes. Ang asawa, habang tumatagal, nawawalan ka ng interes, tapos, inuubos pa ang pera mo<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Dalawang mag-amiga naglasing. Paguwi natae sila at sa sementeryo inabutan. Ang isa ginamit ang panty pamunas tsaka tinapon. Yung isa, nakakita ng bouquet ng flower sa puntod at ginawang pamunas. Kinabukasan, sabi ng mga asawa nila:<br />
JUAN:Pare, bantayan natin mga misis natin...Misis ko umuwi kagabi walang panty!<br />
PEDRO: Mas grabe misis ko pare...Merong card nakadikit sa puwet na may nakasulat "We'll never forget you. From all the guys at the OPERATIONS DEPT."<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Guwapo nagtext: Luve, pa load nman P100.<br />
Bakla: Ok! (Nagmamadaling naghanap ng loading station).<br />
Bakla: Nareceive mo na luv?<br />
Guwapo: Hu u?<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
In the middle of a baptismal rite, a bishop officiating said:<br />
"Ang lambot naman ng ulo ng bata..."<br />
The pretty mother replied: "Father...dede ko po yan!"<br />
<br />
卐卐卐卐卐<br />
<br />
Ama: Bading ka ba?<br />
Anak: Opo, dadi<br />
Ama: (Dinuldol sa harina c jr). Ano?! Bading ka pa ba?!<br />
Anak: Hin di na po.<br />
Ama: Eh anon a?<br />
Anak: Geisha na po! (Ang taray!)<br />
<div>
<br /></div>

Assorted Funniest Pinoy Jokes Part 2

RICH VAMPIRE: Oorder ako ng fresh blood. ORDINARY VAMPIRE: Sa akin isang order na dinuguan. POOR VAMPIRE: Hot water na lang sa akin. W...

Assorted Funniest Pinoy Jokes

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<br /><i>Ibang posisyon</i><br />
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?<br />
Wife: That?s a good idea dear? Doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman<br />
ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Pinoy ingenuity?</i><br />
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man ' s sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It's called a magnifying glass.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Vibrating cellphone</i><br />
Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng panty ko, nagba - vibrate.<br />
Mr: E anong gagawin ko? Kukunin ko sa panty mo?<br />
Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger baka ma-low bat!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Regalo</i><br />
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni PARE ang birthday gift mo ah?<br />
Mrs: Oo nga,7 months na di pa rin ginagamit.<br />
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?<br />
Mrs: Memorial Plan.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Kriminal</i><br />
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"<br />
KRIM INAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala pa rin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya...<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Si Gino</i><br />
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kape ko.<br />
APO: Lo, Gina po.<br />
LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kutchara.<br />
APO: Lo, Gina po.<br />
LOLO: Punyeta ka Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Tutpik</i><br />
Customer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang ang dali pang mabali.<br />
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo sir, ang dami ng gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Confident Vs. Confidential</i><br />
Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?<br />
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak<br />
ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Panchito, Babalu, Dolphy</i><br />
Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC -- Alak, Babae at Cigarette.<br />
Babalu: Ako naman DEF -- Damo, Egg at Frutas.<br />
Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z. Alma to Zsa Zsa.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>First love never dies</i><br />
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies?"<br />
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang Tatay mo, hanggang ngayon buhay pa ang animal!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Suko sa mister</i><br />
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa...<br />
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Pagod daw...</i><br />
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.<br />
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.<br />
Mrs: Cge ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.<br />
Mr: Cge, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Pari't Madre</i><br />
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.<br />
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.<br />
Pari: Ok, antay ako.<br />
Sister: Pasok na, wala na ako panty!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Estudyante</i><br />
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500 Estudyante!<br />
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa estudyante.<br />
Bugaw: Meron din, sir. Ang PRINCIPAL ok yun!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>After the wedding</i><br />
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!<br />
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Pamboboso</i><br />
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!<br />
Inay: Bastos 'yun, ah! Ano ginawa mo?<br />
Anak: Inalis ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di n'ya makita!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Promotion</i><br />
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang dito humaharap sa korte ko, ha?<br />
Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Ampon</i><br />
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!<br />
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Ang sulat</i><br />
Patient: Dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...<br />
Doc: E ano naman laman ng sulat mo?<br />
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next week ko pa ata matatangap...<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Immigration</i><br />
Arab interview at US immigration:<br />
Q: Your name please...<br />
A: Abdul Aziz<br />
Q: Sex?<br />
A: Twice a week.<br />
Q: I mean male or female?<br />
A: Does not matter...sometimes even with camel.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Liit naman</i><br />
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako! ng bra...<br />
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo eh..<br />
Wife: Eh bat ikaw naka brief!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Downy</i><br />
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...<br />
BOY: Aba syempre ah!!! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!!!<br />
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?<br />
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?<br />
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Hide and Seek</i><br />
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. if you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa'yo...<br />
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?<br />
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Ngongo</i><br />
Dumating si ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....<br />
Ngongo: "nges hu?"....<br />
MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo dito!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Madre</i><br />
Dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....<br />
Madre1: Diyos ko! patawarin mo po sila... Di nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.<br />
Madre2: Ay yung sakin marunong!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Rape Suspek</i><br />
ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bang idescribe dito sa korte ang taong nangrape sayo?<br />
INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...<br />
SUSPEK: sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Lost a Bird</i><br />
a priest lost a bird & asked during mass...<br />
Priest: Anyone got a bird?<br />
all men stood up.<br />
Priest: I mean, anyone seen a bird?<br />
all women stood up.<br />
Priest: I meant anyone seen my bird?<br />
...all nuns stood up<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Dalawang Sira ulo....</i><br />
Sira1: Magaling ka na ba?<br />
Sira2: Oo naman!!!<br />
Sira1: Talaga?...kaya mo bang tumawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?<br />
Sira2: Ano ko sira? e pano kung patayin mo flashlight mo?...eh di nalaglag pa ko!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>TEACHER and BOY</i><br />
TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?<br />
BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.<br />
TEACHER: Eh kung dalawang tenga?<br />
BOY: Lalabo po paningin ko!<br />
TEACHER: Baket naman?<br />
BOY: Malalaglag po salamin ko.

Assorted Funniest Pinoy Jokes

Ibang posisyon Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight? Wife: That?s a good idea dear? Doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman...

Pinoy Humor: The Tales of Yaya Inday

<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35l9YuIAVwgSYsDXaVO_BpoeyMUqQDcR57aXhjR60oVmBqq1wxvd9CoNO43mpf0fhTwPCOR14VUtziAR-jKCpiNlKodeAPDbfVPS1wZ7A2KWASH5T6UH7C4KIT6ZdjSaazzJ1sf8VCBCu/s1600/yaya-inday.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="465" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi35l9YuIAVwgSYsDXaVO_BpoeyMUqQDcR57aXhjR60oVmBqq1wxvd9CoNO43mpf0fhTwPCOR14VUtziAR-jKCpiNlKodeAPDbfVPS1wZ7A2KWASH5T6UH7C4KIT6ZdjSaazzJ1sf8VCBCu/s1600/yaya-inday.png" width="555" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Inday tales</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Yaya buys food at McDo.<br />
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”<br />
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”<br />
<br />
<br />
Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”<br />
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”<br />
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”<br />
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”<br />
<br />
<br />
Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.<br />
Doc: “Bottlefed?”<br />
Woman: “ Brea - stfed po.”<br />
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)<br />
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”<br />
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”<br />
<br />
<br />
The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.<br />
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:<br />
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”<br />
<br />
<br />
My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.<br />
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer<br />
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Yaya: “Huhuhu…”<br />
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”<br />
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”<br />
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”<br />
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”<br />
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”<br />
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”<br />
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”<br />
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”<br />
<br />
<br />
(Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”<br />
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”<br />
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.<br />
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”<br />
She answered: “Secret!”<br />
<br />
<br />
After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :<br />
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”<br />
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”<br />
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”<br />
Mom: “It’s up to you.”<br />
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”<br />
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,<br />
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can<br />
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”<br />
<br />
<br />
SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”<br />
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”<br />
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”<br />
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”<br />
<br />
<br />
I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.<br />
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”<br />
<br />
<br />
“O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”<br />
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”<br />
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”<br />
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”<br />
<br />
<br />
We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.<br />
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”<br />
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”<br />
<br />
<br />
Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:<br />
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”<br />
<br />
<br />
My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.<br />
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,<br />
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”<br />
<br />
<br />
We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.<br />
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.<br />
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:<br />
“Parang Watson’s yata…”<br />
<br />
<br />
Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”<br />
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”<br />
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”<br />
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”<br />
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”<br />
<br />
<br />
(Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)<br />
Kuya: “Yaya…”<br />
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”<br />
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”<br />
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”<br />
<br />
<br />
Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”<br />
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”<br />
<br />
<br />
Midget Yaya who was newly hired:<br />
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.<br />
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”<br />
<br />
<br />
Yaya to my brother: “Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?”<br />
Bro: “Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!”<br />
<br />
<br />
(after being scolded for breaking her promises):<br />
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”<br />
<br />
<br />
We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre<br />
in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.<br />
Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?<br />
“Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!”<br />
<br />
<br />
AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”<br />
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”<br />
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”<br />
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”<br />
<br />
<br />
Yaya picking up the phone saying: “ Hilo ?”<br />
We noticed that she was holding the handset ng baligtad.<br />
We told her, “Yaya, baliktad!”<br />
Then Yaya said: “Lohi?”<br />
<br />
<br />
Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.<br />
Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,<br />
(ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"

Pinoy Humor: The Tales of Yaya Inday

Inday tales Yaya buys food at McDo. Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?” Yaya: “Puwede sa table?” Kid: “Yaya look, boats!” Yaya:...

Collection of Pinoy Jokes

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ENGLISH: Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!<br />
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TAGALOG: Kain lang kayo ng kain, walang hiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay niyo to!</div>
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Facebook + Twitter + Youtube + Tumblr + Games = BOOM! Tapos ang HOMEWORK!</div>
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GUY : Mrs. Pwede ko po ba ligawan ang anak niyo?</div>
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MRS : hindi pwede! nag-aaral pa siya...</div>
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GUY : ah sige po.. Ok po. mamaya na lang uwian!</div>
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Kung ramdam mong ikaw ang mundo niya. ABA'Y ADIK KA!! Feeling mo naman planeta ka?</div>
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Masarap sa pakiramdam kapag pinag-aagawan ka ng mga lalaki noh?</div>
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Tapos sasabihin niLa sayo "miss, TRICYCLE?"</div>
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Kapag nagmamahal ka walang my alam.</div>
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Pag nasasaktan ka walang my pakialam.</div>
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Subukan mong makipag-tanan. BUONG BARANGAY ALAM!</div>
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PAG SINABIHAN KA NG PANGET, ETO SABIHIN MO: "EXCUSE ME, DI AKO SALAMIN"</div>
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Sabi nila masama magtanim ng galit sa kapwa.</div>
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Pero diba mas masama ang magtanim ng bata lalo na sa HINDI mo syota.</div>
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Humiga ako sa kama nakita ko ang buwan, tinitigan ko ang mga bituin.</div>
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Napaisip ako bigla, nasaan ang bubong namin.</div>
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Sabi nila pangit daw penmanship ko, sabi ko di mo alam bagong FONT STYLE yan, hay nako, wala ka sa uso.. .</div>
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"Bakit mo pa ako LALANDIIN kung pwede mo naman akong SYOTAIN."</div>
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"PANGIT" kaman sa paningin mo, wag kang mag-alala "MARAMI KAYO"</div>
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Pangit man ako sayong paningin...wag ka mag alala ganun ka din sa kin..</div>
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ANAK: Nay diba sabi nyo dadagdagan nyo allowance ko pag mataas Grades ko?</div>
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NANAY: Oo naman</div>
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ANAK: Uy makakatipid na naman siya :)</div>
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Ang gf parang GOBYERNO...</div>
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daming pinagbabawal.</div>
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Ang bf parang PULITIKO...</div>
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puro pangako.</div>
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BOY: Bangin ka ba?</div>
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GIRL: "Kinilig" bakit nahuhulog kana saken noh?</div>
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BOY: Hindi ah! Kala ko kc Bangin ka muntik na kitang tapunan ng basura!</div>
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Ako’y simpleng tao lamang. Kumbaga sa bigas NFA, hindi kagandahan pero pinipilahan.</div>
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Wag paglaruan ang puso ng babae dahil nagiisa lang ito!</div>
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Okey lang pag laruan ang dibdib dalawa naman.</div>
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Pag wala kang magawa, buksan ang zipper, ipasok ang kamay sa loob at dukutin ang LIBRO!</div>
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Magbasa ka! Hindi kung ano-ano ang naiisip mo!</div>
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"Mahalin mo mga HATERS mo dahil sila ang EBIDENSYA na hindi ka pa nga artista may FANS ka na ."</div>
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Hindi ko ini-ignore ang tawag mo, Sadyang gustong gusto ko lang pakinggang ang RING TONE ko.</div>
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"Kung hanap mo ay yung taong NAKAKAPAGPASAYA sayo, Hindi BF/GF kailangan mo, CLOWN !"</div>
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Utot mo man ay mabaho, titiisin ko, wag ka lang maglaho. ♥</div>
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"Wag mong hayaang mawala ang iyong Eye Bags, PINAGPUYATAN mo kaya yan :))"</div>
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"Sa dinami-daming description ng CUTE sa mundo, sa SALAMIN ko pa talaga nakita ang totoong meaning nito." :)</div>
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NOON: Ang GWAPO tinitilian.</div>
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NGAYON: Ang GWAPO tumitili na rin.</div>
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"Sabi ni ANDREW E. humanap ka ng pangit at ibigin mong tunay, kung ganun gagawin ng lahat.</div>
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Sino nalang magmamahal sakin ?”</div>
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Sa Ospital.</div>
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Lola: (may cancer) Doc, anong gagawin niyo sakin?</div>
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Doc: che-chemo lola.</div>
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Lola: Aba'y bastos kang doctor ka.</div>
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"Imagine the ZOMBIE’s looking for brains. . . . . . . . . Tapos, nilagpasan ka. Ano yun? Bastusan?!”</div>
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LOVING A NAME - Yan yung number bago mag labingpito.</div>
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Use VINCENT in a sentence..."Your message has VIN-CENT" LOL!</div>
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Use BAMPIRA in a sentence: Meron ka "BAMPIRA" diyan? baka pwede namang makahiram.</div>
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Kung itatapon lahat ng MAGAGANDA at POGI sa ibang planeta, isa lang ang masasabi ko: mamimiss ko ang EARTH.</div>
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Ang bata tumitig sa pangit.........</div>
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Pangit: Hoy bata! Ba’t ang sama mo tumingin?</div>
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Bata: Ikaw? E Ba’t ang sama mo tingnan?</div>
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May nakapagsabi na ba sayo na cute ka??</div>
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Kung wala pa, eh wala tayong mgagawa jan.</div>
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Kapag cellphone ang nahulog kung makapag panic WAGAS, pero ka pag kaibigan ang nahulog kung makatawa parang wala ng BUKAS.</div>

Collection of Pinoy Jokes

ENGLISH: Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home! TAGALOG: Kain lang kayo ng kain, walang hiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay niyo ...

Collection of Humorous Math Stories

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<b><br /></b>
<b>The Airport Security</b><br />
<b><br /></b>An statistics professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.<br />
<br />
"<i>I don't understand it!</i>" the interrogating officer exclaims. "<i>You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!</i>"<br />
<br />
"<i>Sorry</i>", the professor interrupts him. "<i>I had never intended to blow up the plane.</i>"<br />
<br />
"<i>So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!</i>"<br />
<br />
"<i>Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight.</i>"<br />
<br />
"<i>And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?</i>"<br />
<br />
"<i>You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer...</i>"<br />
<br />
<hr />
<br />
<br />
<b>Four Friends: In Sickness And In Health</b><br />
<br />
Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.<br />
<br />
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "<i>We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help.</i>"<br />
<br />
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "<i>I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning.</i>"<br />
<br />
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.<br />
<br />
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in differentiation, and all four finish it within ten minutes.<br />
<br />
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:<br />
<br />
<u>Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?</u>

Collection of Humorous Math Stories

The Airport Security An statistics professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover ...

Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam (But Deserves 100)

Why? Here are the answers he gave...<br />
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<br />
<b>Q: In which battle did Napoleon die?</b><br />
A: his last battle<br />
<br />
<b>Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?</b><br />
A: At the bottom of the page.<br />
<br />
<b>Q: River Nile flows in which state?</b><br />
A: liquid<br />
<br />
<b>Q: What is the main reason for divorce?</b><br />
A: marriage<br />
<br />
<b>Q: What is the main reason for failure?</b><br />
A: exams<br />
<br />
<b>Q: What can you never eat for breakfast?</b><br />
A: lunch & dinner<br />
<br />
<b>Q: What looks like half an apple?</b><br />
A: the other half<br />
<br />
<b>Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?</b><br />
A: It will simply become wet.<br />
<br />
<b>Q: How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?</b><br />
A: No problem, he sleeps at night.<br />
<br />
<b>Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?</b><br />
A: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.<br />
<br />
<b>Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?</b><br />
A: very large hands<br />
<br />
<b>Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?</b><br />
A: No time at all, the wall is already built.<br />
<br />
<b>Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?</b><br />
A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.<br />
<br />

Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam (But Deserves 100)

Why? Here are the answers he gave... Q: In which battle did Napoleon die? A: his last battle Q: Where was the Declaration of Indepe...

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